Defalarca ba\u015flan\u0131lan ve defalarca yar\u0131m kalan bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131k yaz\u0131s\u0131d\u0131r bu. Resmedeyim s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle ve kelimelerim yetti\u011fince kayda d\u00fc\u015feyim diye yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 yazmak istedim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc o zaman g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr k\u0131lacakt\u0131m kendimce. S\u0131n\u0131rland\u0131racak, \u015fekle b\u00fcr\u00fcnd\u00fcrecek, vakti gelince sava\u015f\u0131labilecek bir yel de\u011firmeni kuracakt\u0131m. Yani bir nebze rahat olacakt\u0131m. Yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 yazmak i\u00e7in yaln\u0131z oldum, yaln\u0131z kald\u0131m \u00e7o\u011fu zaman. Olmad\u0131! Yaln\u0131zl\u0131k \u00fcst\u00fcne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm, okudum. Olmad\u0131! Yaln\u0131zlar\u0131 arad\u0131m, buldum. Olmad\u0131! Bir aral\u0131k ak\u015fam\u0131yd\u0131 kendimi yola vurdum. Olmad\u0131! Kav\u015faklarda bekledim, \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131 ge\u00e7tim, duraklarda durdum. Olmad\u0131! Gelen ge\u00e7en otob\u00fcslerin ard\u0131ndan bakakald\u0131m, geride kalanlara dald\u0131m, yolculara \u00f6telerden haber sald\u0131m. Olmad\u0131! Sordum, olmad\u0131! Dost meclisinde kalabal\u0131\u011fa de\u011fil \u0131ss\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa yak\u0131n durdum. M\u00fcnzevi oldum, soldum. Olmad\u0131! Denizlere a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131m k\u0131y\u0131ya vurdum. Olmad\u0131! Sonra birde bakt\u0131m ki bal\u0131\u011f\u0131n karn\u0131nda Yunus, hasta yata\u011f\u0131nda Eyy\u00fcp, derin kuyularda, karanl\u0131k zindanlarda Yusuf, \u00e7\u00f6llerde Yakup, \u00f6l\u00fcy\u00fc dirilten \u0130sa, denizi yaran Musa da yaln\u0131zd\u0131.
\nYorulmad\u0131m, y\u0131lmad\u0131m yine arad\u0131m. Ucu ufka varan yollarda, g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc g\u00f6r\u00fcnen naif kullarda, baharda c\u0131v\u0131ldayan ku\u015flar\u0131n kondu\u011fu dallarda arad\u0131m nerededir, kimdedir diye. Durduk yere insan\u0131 da\u011f\u0131tan bir \u015fark\u0131da, bir s\u00f6zde buldum. Uzaklara dalan bir \u00e7ift g\u00f6zde buldum. Yine arad\u0131m, arad\u0131m yoruldum. Uza\u011fa d\u00fc\u015fmek beyhudeydi i\u00e7imdeki \u00f6zde buldum. Kalpte yanan k\u00f6zde buldum. Ve buldum yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir buruk, bir silik izde buldum. Aray\u0131\u015flar\u0131m s\u00fcrd\u00fc durmaks\u0131z\u0131n. Yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 bulmak, yaln\u0131z kalmak i\u00e7in yaz\u0131yordum. Ben yazarsam daha bir g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr olacakt\u0131 bu yel de\u011firmeni d\u00fc\u015fman. Ben yazarsam kurtulacakt\u0131 insano\u011flu as\u0131rlar s\u00fcren yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan. Ve yazarsam g\u00fcll\u00fck g\u00fclistanl\u0131k bir cennet bah\u00e7esi kuracakt\u0131m. Belki de aldan\u0131yordum. Ve san\u0131yordum ki yazarsam da\u011f\u0131l\u0131r ba\u015f\u0131mdaki bulutlar, yaln\u0131zl\u0131k ge\u00e7er. Ge\u00e7medi. Ne kaleme s\u0131\u011fd\u0131 ne dile geldi. Silinmedi kaybolmad\u0131, yitmedi. Ben yazd\u0131k\u00e7a iyice \u00e7\u00f6reklendi. Kalabal\u0131k caddelerden geldi. Tenha yollardan, bo\u015f koridorlardan, lo\u015f odalardan, ho\u015f nidalardan geldi. Yan\u0131ba\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u00f6reklendi. \u00c7ekingen, \u00e7ekik k\u0131s\u0131k g\u00f6zlerde \u015f\u00fcpheli bir nazard\u0131 yaln\u0131zl\u0131k. S\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015f kollarda bir duru\u015ftu hayata kar\u015f\u0131. Karanl\u0131k bak\u0131\u015flardan kalbe s\u0131zan bir vuru\u015ftu yaln\u0131zl\u0131k. Huysuz, aksi, kavgac\u0131 bir \u00e7ocuk gibi k\u00f6\u015fede, daima dosta ko\u015fan hep kendine ula\u015fan bir yar\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ademo\u011fluna. Kendinden ka\u00e7\u0131\u015ft\u0131 hem, hem kendine var\u0131\u015ft\u0131 yaln\u0131zl\u0131k. \u0130nsano\u011flu bir \u015feyi kaybetmi\u015fti . Ad\u0131n\u0131 koyamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir \u015fey. Zemherinin kar\u0131nda buzunda, a\u015f\u0131n ekme\u011fin tad\u0131nda tuzunda, sevilenin y\u00fcz\u00fcnde, bir yi\u011fidin s\u00f6z\u00fcnde, bebelerin naz\u0131nda, \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fcn bahar\u0131nda, g\u00fcz\u00fcnde ve yaz\u0131nda, ozan\u0131m\u0131n saz\u0131nda, avc\u0131n\u0131n her daim s\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc izinde kaybetti\u011fi bir \u015feydi bu. Ad\u0131n\u0131 koyamad\u0131m. Yaln\u0131zl\u0131k her yaln\u0131z\u0131n i\u00e7inde bir kor gibiydi. Alev alev nar gibiydi. Bir nar ki d\u0131\u015f\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn, i\u00e7in par\u00e7a par\u00e7a, i\u00e7in kan revan. Kaybolsun diye savurmak, da\u011f\u0131tmak istedim. Rahata ersin ademo\u011flu diye. Olmad\u0131! Herkes kendi yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n \u015f\u00f6valyesiydi de kendi isterse \u00fcstesinden gelirdi. Ve her y\u00fcre\u011fin yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 kendine idi. Ba\u015fka yaln\u0131zl\u0131klar\u0131 da\u011f\u0131tmak ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n k\u00e2r\u0131 de\u011fildi.
\nYaln\u0131zl\u0131k sanat\u0131n penceresinde \u00f6zenircesine izledi\u011fimiz, kendimize d\u00f6n\u00fcnce nazar; herkesten imtina ile gizledi\u011fimiz, bir ad\u0131mda, ayak sesinde, kap\u0131 t\u0131k\u0131rt\u0131s\u0131nda biti\u015fini g\u00f6zledi\u011fimizdi. Ad\u0131 yaln\u0131zl\u0131kt\u0131 Ademo\u011flu\u2019nun belini b\u00fcken \u015feyin. \u0130\u015fporta tezgah\u0131nda kuru\u015f kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 kadar maliyetsizdi, par\u015f\u00f6menlerce \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcze yaz\u0131lan ve kelimelerce kifayetsiz. \u0130ster g\u00f6nl\u00fcn s\u0131r\u00e7a saray\u0131nda sultan, istersen M\u0131s\u0131r\u2019a han ol. Ad\u0131 yaln\u0131zl\u0131kt\u0131 i\u015fte. Bir hayalci Don Ki\u015fot, bir meczup Mansur, bir garip Yunus, bir halden bilir Z\u00fcleyha idi. Kimi avu\u00e7lar\u0131na, kimi ceplerine, kimi y\u00fcre\u011fine doldurdu.
\nBir kentin ilk g\u00fcn\u00fc yaln\u0131zl\u0131kt\u0131r otob\u00fcsten indi\u011finde. Ve ayr\u0131l\u0131rken oturdu\u011fun koltu\u011fun \u2018can kenar\u0131\u2019 yaln\u0131zl\u0131kt\u0131r. \u2018Anlad\u0131n sonu yok bu yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u2019. Yaln\u0131zsan e\u011fer rengi solar d\u00fcnyan\u0131n, \u00e7elimsiz siliktir \u015fehrin \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131nda i\u011freti duran her suret. \u0130\u00e7ine mavi katamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n g\u00f6n\u00fcl, lezzet katamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n \u00f6m\u00fcr, umuda saramad\u0131\u011f\u0131n gece hep yaln\u0131zd\u0131r. Ay\u0131n akisleri, \u015fafakta ayak sesleri yaln\u0131z. Sen onu savu\u015fturmak i\u00e7in ha gayret, o y\u00fcre\u011fin sad\u0131k bek\u00e7isi, ars\u0131z de\u011fnek\u00e7isi kovsan gitmez. \u00c7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131nca, an\u0131l\u0131nca gelir \u015fayet. O, ak\u015fam g\u00fcne\u015finin k\u0131z\u0131ll\u0131\u011f\u0131nda silueti camlara d\u00fc\u015fen bir ba\u015f, camlardan, canlardan \u00f6telere d\u00fc\u015fen bir d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr, yaralayan bir g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr.
\nDa\u011f ba\u015flar\u0131nda, uzak istasyonlarda yaln\u0131zd\u0131r evler. Perdesiz pencereleri so\u011fuktur. \u0130\u00e7ime dokunur. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc perdesizlik, bir ev i\u00e7in mahremiyeti y\u0131rt\u0131lm\u0131\u015f bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131kt\u0131r. Melek huylu, selvi boylu, \u015firin s\u00f6zl\u00fc, g\u00fcler y\u00fczl\u00fc, g\u00f6n\u00fcl incisi, hakikatli sevgili o uzak istasyonlardan gelecektir. Ve evler perdelenecektir.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Defalarca ba\u015flan\u0131lan ve defalarca yar\u0131m kalan bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131k yaz\u0131s\u0131d\u0131r bu. Resmedeyim s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle ve kelimelerim yetti\u011fince…<\/p>\n